Category: Miscellany

Posted on by — Leave a comment

Parking in Tower Hamlets

Saturday morning, woke up in good time to drive down to Sussex for the wedding of Matt and Bry. Went to drive the car round to load it up and… couldn’t find it. Walked all over the manor, thinking that I’d maybe parked it a few streets away when I arrived back from skydiving last Sunday evening. Nowhere to be found. Called Tower Hamlets parking and sure enough, they had it in the car pound. Bloody bloody bastards.

And they’d had it since Monday. This meant that I had almost a week’s worth of storage to pay for also. Apparently there had been a ‘parking suspended’ notice there at the time which I simply didn’t see. Total cost: £420. Four hundred and twenty pounds. FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY OF YOUR HARD EARNED POUNDS. STERLING. An absolutely disproportional punishment for a relatively innocent, tax paying monkey like me. 

And this is on top of the £150 that I paid the day we moved in, almost 1 year ago to the day. I’d hired a van, eventually unloaded it with the old man. Parked up in the ‘visitors’ bay. Had a sit down for 15 minutes to gather our breath and a quick drink, came down, van gone. Bloody bastards, the lot of them.

Posted on by — Leave a comment

The Hopefuls

You don’t understand. I could have had class. I could have been a contender. I could have been somebody.

I thought this was lost forever more until my sister Em just called saying she’d looked it up to show brag to my brother-in-law Neil about it.

Recorded at the Teddington studios in February 1994. To our right of Dani Behr is stood m’chums Pete, Rick and Foz. Foz recalled the infamous quote from Rick’s father David Way soon after: “Heath, you’re a f***ing disgrace! Chewing gum on television!”

We also got to see Nirvana, Blur and Soul Asylum whilst there. They were some good old days.

And I hadn’t previously associated that performance with this recent one. Oh dear oh dear, he doesn’t change does he.

Posted on by — 6 Comments

Negative Feedback

Despite having had a ridiculous fancypants 3 metre widescreen TV installed, we thought we deserved another television, for the bedroom. Found one on eBay a few weeks back, paid straight after ‘winning’ the item and duly waited… and waited. Called the seller to see what was going on. Firstly they hadn’t sent anything in a hurry and then put the blame with the courier, I understand that couriers can be unreliable but they didn’t even leave a calling card after supposedly attempting delivery on 4 occassions. After asking for a refund, they eventually paid but only after saying “we’re waiting for other customer’s money to come into our PayPal account before we pay you. Which is an odd  way of doing business IMHO. So I left this negative feedback for the sellers that call themselves ‘provisuals’:

Worst eBayers I’ve dealt with. Weren’t interested. Didn’t deliver after 2 wks.

Leaving negative feedback is not something I do lightly or take pleasure in (I think I’ve done it once before), so I was never going to sing their praises if I felt the need to give them a bad mark. This was the tit-for-tat feedback I received:

A LOSER, BAD EBAYER, BAD ATTITUDE, BAD MAN, TERRIBLE LOSER IN LIFE GENERALLY!!!

Nice. This is the inherent problem with eBay’s feedback system. If you leave them negative, they’re bound to return the favour even if you’ve done everything as nice as pie. Personal slights are a tad unecessary although the guy’s clearly a switched on cookie to realise that I am indeed a terrible loser in life generally. Exclamation mark exclamation mark exclamation mark.

I thought that would be the end of it, I didn’t reply, but the messages kept coming via the eBay messaging system:

Loser james – thats what you are.

righty-ho, and then…

You are a big loser James!

err ok, and then…

The item is back with us due to the COURIER not being able to deliver it. big word for you I know and was readvertised on thursday. I know these are very big words for your to understand as you are only one years old.

which was good, but then this was the clincher…

The couriers let you down. But I could always tell you were a loser. Can I tell you that the anger in me right now. If I could meet you I would do time for you. That means I would beat you so that you would be in hospital for months and months and months because you are such a small minded little prick with a small cock and and even smaller brain. I so want to beat you up you wont believe it. I think I may leave my comfortable chair and hunt you down. Simply because you have a small cock and brain. I want to hurt you James so much I really do. So you think that because a little courier couldnt deliver a parcel that you can leave negative for the innocent people that work so hard. whilst my partner protests I say you are going to get it your little tiny prick!!!

Absolute genius. If you happen to be on eBay and come across some kit being sold by ‘provisuals’, do not buy.

Posted on by — Leave a comment

Saint George Facts

  • In the UK we’re lacking in Bank holidays and a national day as such. Like most Englanders though I don’t actually know a great deal about our patron saint. As we’re so busy at work I took it upon myself to find out. On your behalf.
  • Born in Cappadociam, Turkey (or Georgia) in about 280 AD and grew up in Palestine. Said to have served with distinction in the Roman army, holding the rank of Tribune (Colonel).
  • It is certain that he had become widely venerated as a personal intercessor as well as a symbol of military virtues, some time before he was officially proclaimed ‘protector’.
  • St George is the patron saint of the following; England, Netherlands, Catalonia, Lebanon, Canada, Germany, Greece, Sicily, Portugal, Slovenia, Lithuania, Russia, equestrians, farmers, sheep and in the tradition of saving the best for last – leprosy, herpes and syphilis.
  • It is probable, according to the early accounts, that his family was of Dacian origin, because of his tall stature and fair hair.
  • Patron Saint of England since at least the reign of Edward III in the 14th century and universally recognised as a saint for some 1,600 years.
  • It looks like date of 23 April has previously been a holiday in England in honour of St George since 1222. In 1415, when English soldiers under Henry V won the battle of Agincourt, the Archbishop of Canterbury ordered St George’s Day to be one of the country?s greatest feasts and celebrated like Christmas Day with only vital work undertaken.
  • The holiday lost its general popularity after the Protestant reformation in the late 18th century.
  • He is believed to have enlisted in the Cavalry of the Roman Army at the age of 17 during the reign of the Emperor Diocletian and quickly established a reputation amongst his peers for his physical strength and good looks, virtuous behaviour and valorous military bearing.
  • He was apparently tortured over a period for publicly declaring himself a Christian and protesting against the persecution of Christians. He was beheaded at Lydda (Lod) in what is now Israel on 23rd April 303AD.

  • The evidence about his early cult strongly suggests that his martyrdom took place in extraordinary circumstances, perhaps connected with the destruction of a local pagan temple.
  • Probably he first became popular in England when his reputation for virtue and chivalrous conduct became the spiritual inspiration of the Crusaders, who told of his heroic acts in the cause of Christianity.
  • The Cross of St George is the red Greek cross of a martyr on a white or silver background symbolising heaven.
  • During the Crusades the pennant or flag of St George became prominent as a means of recognition for English Knights. The Cross was also worn on shields and breastplates and on badges over the shoulders.
  • The Cross of St George was first used as a symbol of England in 1277 by the army of Edward I. Richard II later made it the flag of the English army.
  • St George’s Day is the first day of camping(!)(?)
  • The legend of St. George and the Dragon has it that the citizens of Silene in Libya were being terrorised by a dragon. To keep it at bay, the townsfolk offered it sacrifices, first of sheep and then of children and young people. When the turn came for the king’s daughter, Princess Cleodolinda, to be sacrificed, St George rode up on his white charger, dismounted and fought the monster on foot until it eventually succumbed. He then dragged the dying monster into the city with the Princess’s girdle and slew the dragon in front of the people. St. George was greeted as their deliverer and the king offered him a bag of gold as a reward. This he refused and asked that it be given to the poor.
  • His feast date, April 23, is the Day of Aragon (Spain) and is also holiday in Catalonia (Spain) where it is traditional to give a rose and a book to the loved one. This, together with the anniversary of the deaths, in 1616, of Cervantes and Shakespeare, has led UNESCO to declare April 23 as World Book and Copyright Day.
  • In the 13th century, there was a Guild of St George to which the Honourable Company of Pikemen were related. They later evolved into the Honourable Artillery Company.
Posted on by — Leave a comment

Room 101

I don’t like to be negative, BUT…

[Last update: 05.02.2020]

  1. “Haitch” instead of “aitch”
  2. “Almonds” without the silent ‘l’
  3. Those who are offended by swear words
  4. “Expresso” instead of “espresso”
  5. Whistling. Wolf whistles are ok as there’s a purpose to them; but aimless, tuneless whistling is unfathomable
  6. Those who use an acronym regularly without knowing what they stand for
  7. Those who ask the time whilst they’re sitting in front of their computer
  8. People calling their computer or phone wallpaper their ‘screensaver’
  9. Slow drivers. Especially those who hang behind me when I’m cycling because they can’t work out the dimensions of their car
  10. Push-chairs in obviously non-push chair areas. They get in the way, they’re lazy and carrying the baby is better for you both
  11. Dummies/ pacifiers
  12. Small talk. Say something worthwhile or enjoy the silence
  13. ‘Child on Board’ signs in cars
  14. Sandwiches cut at right angles
  15. Sultanas/ currants in savoury food
  16. Waiters who persistently try and take the chutneys away at Indian Bangladeshi restaurants. I need them for the duration of my meal
  17. Waiters who take plates away while other people are still eating
  18. People who talk during the movie
  19. The Mail and The Express
  20. Bitten or badly cut nails
  21. Obese pets
  22. People who don’t cross out the completed words’ clues when doing crosswords
  23. People who put burnt matchsticks back in the box…
  24. …or sweet wrappers back in the packet
  25. People who pull the hand-brake on without depressing the button
  26. People who aren’t forthcoming in getting their round in
  27. The speed of the average pedestrian
  28. Men who tuck their ties in
  29. Short sleeved office shirts
  30. Your grubby mitts on my monitor
  31. Eating with your mouth open
  32. Pen-clickers
  33. Pen/pencil-biters
  34. Michael Gove, Nigel Farage, Mark Francois, Boris Johnson, Dominic Raab, Priti Patel, Sajid Javid, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Theresa May, Eamonn Holmes, Angela Rippon and Piers Morgan
  35. Electric hand-driers
  36. Wastage
  37. Heat, Closer, Hello, OK and Now magazines
  38. Fake Smarties on my ginger breadman
  39. Comic Sans
Posted on by — 1 Comment

James Killian Spratt

Hi, James Spratt!!

This is James Spratt!! I’m a sculptor, living in western North Carolina, USA; I’ve just been online about 4 months, ain’t it great! I’m a cousin of John Spratt, SC senator, an acquaintance of Charles Spratt, canuck artist (and I do like his style), and proprietor of www.sprattart.com, my newish and still-a-buildin’ website. Say, what’s your middle name?
Funny story: three pals of mine and I are on a Harley rally in Sturgis, South Dakota. I sign us up for a table in a restaurant and step out to wait. The girl yells “Spratt, party of TWO!” so I turn round to correct her, to meet James Spratt, from Oregon, and his new bride, on their honeymoon. Lots of “Gee, whizzing and laughs all around. Small world, huh. Wanna bet there’re 2.4 million James Spratts in the world? Only the census bureau knows for sure, har-de-har-har!! Nicetameetcha, gimme an email.

Yours, James (snicker!) Spratt

jspratt at cytechusa dot com